Sporadic thinking

I re-opened Worlds Apart today after months of letting it sit. I felt compelled to write more of it. It's hard to believe, as I write the story so sporadically. However, when I start writing after not writing for so long, I go back to read what I've already written, to make sure that I remain consistent to what's already down.

Now, it's a habit of mine to write each chapter in its own word document. I do this so that the thoughts can be organized more easily. I don't actually like chapter structure, and when I finish the story, I'll either be re-working or removing the chapters. More likely reworking. I am not a fan of chapters, but I think that after a while it would become difficult to read, as everything would mesh together. Anyway, went off on a tangent. The reason I brought that up is because out of curiosity, I wanted to see what the word count was for the story so far. I'm seven chapters in, working on the eighth. I am not even a third of the way into the story yet.

19645. I have almost 20 thousand words.

This blew me away. In less than three years of writing this story on and off, I have written 6k less than half the expected length of an average novel. There are people who write 50k in one month. I am not one of those people. I cannot trust myself to sit and write and write and write prose as though my life were about nothign but writing prose.

However.

After finding that I have made that much progress with this story already, I have decided that my goal for the remainder of this year is to finish this story. If I write one chapter a month, I'll be relatively close to done by the end of the year as it is. However, I know myself better than that. I never write one chapter at a time. I write a chapter and a half, and then leave it for months. So, my goal from here will be to write consistently. To finish this bloody first draft once and for all, so that I can finally allow myself to go and revise the first chapter. It desperately needs revision.

This is good news, though. I am going to do this. I will write. I will do this.

Beyond that, I've made a decision. By the end of this year, I want to be able to call myself a proper writer. I want to be published at least once. I want to finish this novel. I want to write poetry that people can enjoy for its topic AND for its technical skill. I want to be a featured writer. I want to be featured for my writing, not just because I know how to get work done.

I want. I WANT MY SELF-ESTEEM. By the end of this year, I will be able to call myself a writer.

I. I will. No more passive writing because I think I'm not good enough to do anything with it. No more. No more telling myself I am incapable as a means of striving for improvement. I will strive to improve because I CAN be good enough. Because I have improved so far, and I can do so much more. Because I want to. Because I need to. Because I am tired of fighting for approval from others when all I've been looking for is approval from myself.

"Oh now, feel it, coming back again, like the rolling thunder chasing the wind, forces pulling from the center of the earth again, I can feel it!"

It felt so good to say that.

I didn't even realize how much I've been holding myself down. I didn't know. I always told myself it was a means to improve, that if I kept myself down I would work harder. Somewhere along the line, I hit a point where it stopped helping me.

I have been preventing myself from having self-esteem, all the while thinking that I was making things better on myself.

No more.

The next time I smile...it will be me smiling for myself. And I will be happy with myself, even if I am not happy with other things.

Now, back to writing.