Breaking the small habits...not so sure about the big ones...
I am a chronic nail-biter. It's been an awful habit of mine for basically my entire life. I chew on my nails when I'm nervous, when I'm anxious, when I'm bored, when I'm hungry...you get the point. More recently it got so bad that I was chewing all of the white ring at the fingertip off, and then chewing past that as well. I was beginning to worry that the white rings at the tip might not grow back, so I told myself last Sunday that I was going to stop biting my nails. I'm happy to say that though I did come very close to biting them a few times over the week, I didn't bite any of them, and they've all grown back. I haven't felt like biting them today or yesterday, either.
I'm cleaning things up. I used to let things gather for weeks on my floor and then I'd spend hours cleaning it all up. My floor is currently empty save for my electrical cords and shoes. The shoes are lined up against the wall, and the cords are tucked under the desk. The trash was taken out this morning. The doors and windows are open to give the air a chance to circulate so the room doesn't smell so stale. Except my suitemate needs the bathroom, so now the bathroom isn't airing out. Oh well. The rest of the room is.
People walk too fast when they don't need to be. Walking fast when you're in a hurry is one thing, but on a Sunday when there's really not much of anything that needs to happen on a schedule, there's no reason to be walking as fast as some of the people around here do. It's beautiful outside. There's a wonderful breeze right now. It's somewhere between 70 and 80 degrees. This is ideal weather, and people are in such a hurry to escape it for some reason. I had a wonderful walk to and from the cafeteria, just moseying along as I did. Gives you a chance to appreciate the things you miss out on on the average day.
I seem to be growing so slowly now. I'm learning to make up for the mistakes I've consistently made before, but I am still missing on so many levels at this point. How long does it take for one to properly collect their thoughts? Am I still on schedule, or am I falling as far behind as I feel like I am? I hope I'm not lagging behind.
School ends in two weeks. The thought of once again needing a job scares me. I suppose I will make do, if nothing else.
Things are going to go well. So long as I remember that and smile, I will be fine.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Sporadic thinking
I re-opened Worlds Apart today after months of letting it sit. I felt compelled to write more of it. It's hard to believe, as I write the story so sporadically. However, when I start writing after not writing for so long, I go back to read what I've already written, to make sure that I remain consistent to what's already down.
Now, it's a habit of mine to write each chapter in its own word document. I do this so that the thoughts can be organized more easily. I don't actually like chapter structure, and when I finish the story, I'll either be re-working or removing the chapters. More likely reworking. I am not a fan of chapters, but I think that after a while it would become difficult to read, as everything would mesh together. Anyway, went off on a tangent. The reason I brought that up is because out of curiosity, I wanted to see what the word count was for the story so far. I'm seven chapters in, working on the eighth. I am not even a third of the way into the story yet.
19645. I have almost 20 thousand words.
This blew me away. In less than three years of writing this story on and off, I have written 6k less than half the expected length of an average novel. There are people who write 50k in one month. I am not one of those people. I cannot trust myself to sit and write and write and write prose as though my life were about nothign but writing prose.
However.
After finding that I have made that much progress with this story already, I have decided that my goal for the remainder of this year is to finish this story. If I write one chapter a month, I'll be relatively close to done by the end of the year as it is. However, I know myself better than that. I never write one chapter at a time. I write a chapter and a half, and then leave it for months. So, my goal from here will be to write consistently. To finish this bloody first draft once and for all, so that I can finally allow myself to go and revise the first chapter. It desperately needs revision.
This is good news, though. I am going to do this. I will write. I will do this.
Beyond that, I've made a decision. By the end of this year, I want to be able to call myself a proper writer. I want to be published at least once. I want to finish this novel. I want to write poetry that people can enjoy for its topic AND for its technical skill. I want to be a featured writer. I want to be featured for my writing, not just because I know how to get work done.
I want. I WANT MY SELF-ESTEEM. By the end of this year, I will be able to call myself a writer.
I. I will. No more passive writing because I think I'm not good enough to do anything with it. No more. No more telling myself I am incapable as a means of striving for improvement. I will strive to improve because I CAN be good enough. Because I have improved so far, and I can do so much more. Because I want to. Because I need to. Because I am tired of fighting for approval from others when all I've been looking for is approval from myself.
"Oh now, feel it, coming back again, like the rolling thunder chasing the wind, forces pulling from the center of the earth again, I can feel it!"
It felt so good to say that.
I didn't even realize how much I've been holding myself down. I didn't know. I always told myself it was a means to improve, that if I kept myself down I would work harder. Somewhere along the line, I hit a point where it stopped helping me.
I have been preventing myself from having self-esteem, all the while thinking that I was making things better on myself.
No more.
The next time I smile...it will be me smiling for myself. And I will be happy with myself, even if I am not happy with other things.
Now, back to writing.
Now, it's a habit of mine to write each chapter in its own word document. I do this so that the thoughts can be organized more easily. I don't actually like chapter structure, and when I finish the story, I'll either be re-working or removing the chapters. More likely reworking. I am not a fan of chapters, but I think that after a while it would become difficult to read, as everything would mesh together. Anyway, went off on a tangent. The reason I brought that up is because out of curiosity, I wanted to see what the word count was for the story so far. I'm seven chapters in, working on the eighth. I am not even a third of the way into the story yet.
19645. I have almost 20 thousand words.
This blew me away. In less than three years of writing this story on and off, I have written 6k less than half the expected length of an average novel. There are people who write 50k in one month. I am not one of those people. I cannot trust myself to sit and write and write and write prose as though my life were about nothign but writing prose.
However.
After finding that I have made that much progress with this story already, I have decided that my goal for the remainder of this year is to finish this story. If I write one chapter a month, I'll be relatively close to done by the end of the year as it is. However, I know myself better than that. I never write one chapter at a time. I write a chapter and a half, and then leave it for months. So, my goal from here will be to write consistently. To finish this bloody first draft once and for all, so that I can finally allow myself to go and revise the first chapter. It desperately needs revision.
This is good news, though. I am going to do this. I will write. I will do this.
Beyond that, I've made a decision. By the end of this year, I want to be able to call myself a proper writer. I want to be published at least once. I want to finish this novel. I want to write poetry that people can enjoy for its topic AND for its technical skill. I want to be a featured writer. I want to be featured for my writing, not just because I know how to get work done.
I want. I WANT MY SELF-ESTEEM. By the end of this year, I will be able to call myself a writer.
I. I will. No more passive writing because I think I'm not good enough to do anything with it. No more. No more telling myself I am incapable as a means of striving for improvement. I will strive to improve because I CAN be good enough. Because I have improved so far, and I can do so much more. Because I want to. Because I need to. Because I am tired of fighting for approval from others when all I've been looking for is approval from myself.
"Oh now, feel it, coming back again, like the rolling thunder chasing the wind, forces pulling from the center of the earth again, I can feel it!"
It felt so good to say that.
I didn't even realize how much I've been holding myself down. I didn't know. I always told myself it was a means to improve, that if I kept myself down I would work harder. Somewhere along the line, I hit a point where it stopped helping me.
I have been preventing myself from having self-esteem, all the while thinking that I was making things better on myself.
No more.
The next time I smile...it will be me smiling for myself. And I will be happy with myself, even if I am not happy with other things.
Now, back to writing.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Filling out job applications...
I was filling out some applications for bookstores today, and I got to the part where it says "Position Desired" and stopped. I thought about filling in "Cashier", but I'm not sure. I'd much rather stock the books on the shelves than be a cashier. But what is that position called? They're not stock workers, stock workers work night shifts, and I've already put myself through night shifts once, I can't do that again. So I stared at it a bit more, then decided to move on and fill out the rest of the application, and that I'd come back to fill it in later. I finished the rest of the application just fine and went back. That application's sitting next to me right now. I still haven't filled that box in.
It upsets me. I don't know what job I want. I need a paycheck. I don't want my life to just be a set of jobs for pay. I want to have a job that I know I can do for a prolonged period of my life...but I have no idea what job that is. I hate that I can't seem to map my own life out.
This is all very petty. I dislike the fact that I'm sitting here complaining about not knowing things about myself when there's much bigger things to be worrying about. I was talking with someone about this recently. I think it was Juli. I don't talk about things that bother me much. I don't usually like to. My problems are so small. I complain about such unimportant things. I mean, this is a piece of paper that I'm stumbling over. That's all it is. I'm being stumped by a piece of paper. People are in the hospital right now, and I'm whining about a piece of paper. *sigh*
This is why I try to keep my complaints minimal. Because it's not fair for me to make a big deal of such little things.
Smile like you mean it.
On days like these, smiles can change someone's day for the better. Always smile, even if it seems there's nothing at all to smile about.
~Rakumo
It upsets me. I don't know what job I want. I need a paycheck. I don't want my life to just be a set of jobs for pay. I want to have a job that I know I can do for a prolonged period of my life...but I have no idea what job that is. I hate that I can't seem to map my own life out.
This is all very petty. I dislike the fact that I'm sitting here complaining about not knowing things about myself when there's much bigger things to be worrying about. I was talking with someone about this recently. I think it was Juli. I don't talk about things that bother me much. I don't usually like to. My problems are so small. I complain about such unimportant things. I mean, this is a piece of paper that I'm stumbling over. That's all it is. I'm being stumped by a piece of paper. People are in the hospital right now, and I'm whining about a piece of paper. *sigh*
This is why I try to keep my complaints minimal. Because it's not fair for me to make a big deal of such little things.
Smile like you mean it.
On days like these, smiles can change someone's day for the better. Always smile, even if it seems there's nothing at all to smile about.
~Rakumo
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